Monday, June 9, 2014

15 unexpected side-effects to living in the hottest heatwave Delhi's seen in 5 years

In case I haven't complained enough, it is indeed true that Delhi has turned into the 7th ring of hell, and that coincidentally, is also seeing some fairly regular and highly irritating power cuts. Which means that not only are we plunged into darkness with nothing to do in the evenings, but also that the ceiling fans don't turn to at least give a little respite from the sea of sweat that springs up from my body whenever they stop.

1) I've become a night owl. Since night is the coolest time (a cool 32 degrees, thank you very much!) and since I'm pretty much constantly fog-headed and mildly nauseated during the day, I've taken to intermittently reading stuff on the internet and napping while the sun is out and working at night. This means that I regularly go to bed at around 3-4am. For pretty much my entire life, 10:30-11pm has been my bedtime. I like sleep. A lot. I usually need a good 8 hours of it. But these days I'm surviving on 3-4 hours a night, seeing as it's impossible to continue sleeping once the sun is out. Yay.

2) I got sunburnt from spending a grand total of 10 mins in the sun.

3) I got prickly heat. No, it's not a fashionable STD. It's when your sweat glands go all WTF?! and refuse to work and your skin gets all inflamed and itchy. Apparently Indian children get it because their sweat glands are underdeveloped. Indian children, and stupid foreigners. I'm sitting here typing this while wearing a wet t-shirt to trick my skin into thinking it's sweating.

4) I get irrationally annoyed and angry every time I open Facebook, seeing as most of my friends are in South Africa and complain bitterly of the cold. I can guarantee you, your cold weather is better than my hot. You can always put on more layers, but you can only strip so far before you are liable for public indecency. And it doesn't help anyway.

5) Today I found myself sitting in the lounge, wearing the prettiest dress I own, the one I wore to graduation and have not worn once since coming to Delhi. Pants just don't seem like a viable option anymore.

6) There is no cold water. All showers are hot, even if you're only opening the cold tap. And even if you take a bottle of cold water out the freezer, within a few hours it will be lukewarm, like when a cup of boiled water cools. Tasty.

7) I sleep on the floor. Somehow, it seems cooler. Who wants cushy comfort that's just going to cling to your skin and make you hotter? And yes, the floor itself is hot too. And just a note on sleep in general -- it is not easy. I have to sleep with an alternate pillow within reach so that when both sides of the one I'm sleeping on are drenched in sweat, I can grab a dry one and start the whole process again while the wet one dries.

8) Bouts of irrational hatred towards my boyfriend, henceforth known as The Doctor, who is at home in the foothills of the Himalayas and regularly tells me it's so cool he doesn't even need a fan. Motherf*cker.

9) I've stopped exercising. So I'm getting fat. Fatter. Whatever.

10) My Vaseline is pure liquid. My wax strips have melted all over the place. Lipsticks have turned to mush. I'm pretty sure my salmon oil capsules are just going disintegrate and I'll have to use their contents for cooking.

11) I'm sick of the taste of water. Also, I drink gallons of it and my pee is still amber. My kidneys must hate me and my lifestyle decisions right round about now. This may be worse for them than the 3 years I spent at Rhodes.

12) I am homesick for the first time in my life. Since the very first time I left my parents' house for a week-long Scripture Union camp when I was 10, I've never felt homesick. I think it's less homesickness and more longing for more reasonable weather.

13) I'm simultaneously intensely bored and unable to do anything about it. Because going outside would be equivalent to self-immolation and should only be attempted in the most dire of circumstances. Like running out of food. Or, if you're my flatmates, going to work.

14) On a plus side, cutting off all my hair before coming here may have been the wisest decision I've ever made. Balanced out by the idiocy of not investing in AC at the first signs of summer, which may very well be the most arrogant and ignorant decision I've ever made.

15) As you've clearly gathered, I've turned into a self-pitying, whiny brat. I was going to use another word that rhymes with brat, but I feel like this post is already sufficiently swearword-heavy. I've probably already offended someone. To you, I say, I'm sorry. Blame it on the heat. 

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